I'm gonna be completely honest with you, peeps. If Hack Reactor hadn't allotted this hour to blogging, and literally forced me to do it, I may have never written in this thing again. I'm exhausted. The first week was an ocean of peaks and troughs, and starting from the somewhat benign first day, it's only gotten more intense from here. It's been a physical and emotional roller coaster, and the idea of taking any of my "free time" to write a blog post is almost sickening. So due apologies if this isn't up to par of the energies of my previous posts.
Now, I'm sure this wouldn't be everyone's experience here. There are bound to be a good number of people in my cohort who are feeling fantastic right now. And honestly, I've been there about 60% of the time. It is an extremely fulfilling roll, that of a student at HRRB. The victories taste that much sweeter for the struggle it took to get there. But for me, it's been a little rougher than I care to admit.
I coasted my way through public school. From the time I was very young, I never had trouble with tests. I never had test anxiety. I always scored in the highest percentile, though usually second vs first. But because of this, I never really had to put any effort into it. I can't remember the last time I studied for a test (and that's saying something considering I can still remember most of middle school). I've had the mindset that as long as I pay a bit of attention in class, I'll score just fine.
But, as most of you have guessed, Hack Reactor isn't that easy. I knew that when I came into the program. But old habits die hard, and it's been increasingly difficult to get it across to myself that just listening to the lectures once is not going to get me the most out of this class. I'm stubborn at heart, no point in denying it, and it's hurting me here.
Not that I'm not learning. Slowly, bit by bit, I'm coming to an understanding with myself. I just have to keep reminding myself that it is beyond worth it in the end to avoid the utter embarrassments my self assessments have been.
Self assessments are Hack Reactor's version of tests, but they're geared towards helping you rather than being a true representation of how much you know. Going into my first one at the end of week 1, covering the prep course work, I was over confident. As soon as I saw what the test was on (underbar and recursion), I felt more than duly confident. I flew through the exercise, determined to finish first, as was my norm. And I did. I finished 12 minutes into an hour long session. I checked my answers against the syntax checker they had provided. And I turned it in without a second glance.
I had done everything right, as far as I was concerned in that moment. My code was clear and easy to read. I had written out all my pseudocode and descriptions. I couldn't have done a thing wrong.
And of course I was wrong about that. I had left out something so ridiculously stupid it was silly. I had just forgotten to pass a new argument into the recursive function when I called it. But that was all that was needed. Obviously, my code didn't work. But I hadn't bothered to test it myself.
The embarrassment was bad, but not quite so bad as the week one assessment.
I learned pretty quick after that to write my own tests. And there was a real sense of accomplishment, honestly a genuine joy, in creating mocha tests, seeing them fail, and then watching them pass. Something so tiny as a little green checkmark should not had made me as happy as that did. But it did.
And it's those moments that have been keeping me going. I think it was Marcus Phillips that said it in one of lectures, but programming is 95% failure, and trying to figure out why you failed. But that little 5% of success can make the whole seem that much brighter, can fill you with the kind of joy that should only come from roller coasters or winning the lottery. That's what's pushed me through the hard bits, the frustrating parts, and the worst bits - the embarrassing parts. They're addicting. A bit like chocolate. Or cocaine.
The second assessment was the hardest bit for me. It tested me more than any of the sprint frustration could. It was probably my stubbornness that really did me in, but there was also some simple lack of knowledge and experience. I should have studied. The ideas weren't all that hard. But I started with the hardest question in my hubris and refused to move on when I couldn't get it. In the end, I completed maybe 70% of the sprint, and of that, I only felt confidant in about 40%. And no, I didn't finish that hard question.
I'm leaving on a good note tonight, though. We've been on a two day sprint called Subclass Dance Party that was meant to help hammer home pseudoclassical classes and subclasses. It was a steep learning curve, and there was definitely some struggle in it, but there were also some awesome moments of success. We used sprites, made randomized party parrot dancers, made random people chase each other around the dance floor, and, best of all, made a Batman and Joker, adding fun text bits and audio snippets. It was satisfying in a way that's hard to explain. Having an idea in your head and turning it into reality, knowing that you built it from the ground up? That's a hard feeling to replicate.
When forced to blog in the future, I'm sure I'll turn to more technical aspects of the course. It definitely wouldn't hurt to write a blog post on just using the keyword "this" and the pains of the damn thing. Anyway out there who knows what it is, you know what I'm talking about. But tonight I needed the emotional vent. It's been a hard week, my grandfather's surgery, my wife's struggles with depression, my own disappointments. I needed to admit out loud (sort of) that this is hard, so much harder in different ways than what I expect. But I've also been having a great time. And once in a while, you just need that reminder. That it's worth it. That you can't quit. That it may be rough right now, but it's going to be better.
I think I'll leave it on that note. I can feel something trying to pound its way out of the back of my skull, and my wife has fallen asleep on the couch, waiting on me. To anyone who read, thank you. And if you're in this program now, or you're thinking about it, keep this in mind! Hopefully my later posts will talk of more breakthroughs and satisfaction. But for now, I'll just have to be content with the idea that it's coming. And it will be all the more worth it when I get there for these struggles now.
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